Some Days I Dance ~ Becca

I’ll be honest.
Mental Illness scares the Crap out of me.
Scares me into a panicked paralysis of fear.
The stories you hear.
Voices.
Personality change.
Lack of control.
NO control.
Often no prediction. It seems to touch whoever, whenever,   
no control.

I have depression.
Mental illness scares the Crap out of me.
It took me a long time to say I have depression.
I don’t want it to define me in peoples’ eyes. But sometimes it does define my life. For two years it impacted every single minute of every single day. Then sometimes I could go several minutes without breathing depression. Then I would occasionally get a string of hours. I remember the first weekend I felt like depression had not been a part of that weekend! It is still part of my weekly and usually daily life.

It still scares the Crap out of me.
Sensing that darkness creeping on the edge.
Trying to keep it closed out tight.    
Lurking.
No control.

It is the single most impactful thing in my life.
It is the thing I am most proud of – living, getting to the end of the day while I have depression.
It is also still the thing I am most ashamed of.
Why?

Depression often lurks at the edges of me.
Of my mind.
Of my hope.
Of my day.
I’m scared of falling into that abyss again.
That vacuum of emptiness.
No warning.
No control.

Some days I push it back.
I didn’t used to be able to do this.
I don’t know why I can now.
I am grateful that I can.
I am scared that one day I won’t be able to again.

Some golden days I even forget for a bit that depression has marked my life, become part of my life, embedded itself into my life.

Most days I am learning to dance with it.
Dance with my depression.
My neighbour said that. 
I like that.
I am learning this.
What is dancing with my depression?
I’m not sure.
I am learning this.
It includes silver linings and growth.
It includes laughing in the face of it, at some of the worst of it. At the ridiculousness of it.
It involves lifting up my head. Looking depression in the face. Looking myself in the eyes. And breathing. And sometimes, more than I could ever have thought, it means laughing at this disease that has emptied me of me, Changed everything in me and yes, even given me much; stripped bare and rebuilt.

Some days I pretend, 
some days I push, 
some days I’m engulfed 
and some days… I dance.

Waves - Linda

Endless waves, relentlessly rolling
Constantly seeking the embrace of the shore
Such is her search for happiness
Capturing feeble fragments, but yearning for more.

Need Repair ~ Glenn

How I wish I could get away from myself. Even just to have the cause and effect become clear to me. I’m reverberating with anxiety but there is nothing to fear. My affect is flattened hard like a well worn dirt road but I have only reasons for hope and optimism. To feel this bad while my circumstances and life seem so good can only mean that my soul is sick. I’m ill. The thermostat of my mood is out of wack. Heat pumps out of the engine of the mind - smoke pouring out. I can’t get it reset to a healthy range. I need a new part. I need to be taken in for repair. But I drive outta the shop every week or two with the same rattle, the same overheating, the same billowing - broken down on a cloudless day.

Windows ~ Linda

Always outside, looking in
Yearning for the warmth of those within
They are oblivious to the cold outside;
That is her pain and isolation.
She does not blame them,
She wishes to be one of them.

*be sure to check out this image that pairs so perfectly with these words

Naked ~ Anonymous

Why don’t I think I will get married? 
Because of fear. 
Because men scare me: physically, emotionally... 
Because I don’t know how to stand up for myself, advocate for myself and that is so important in a marriage. 

A Long Birth Canal ~ Glenn

This has been a long birth canal.
A shrunken space of darkness in every direction
Not knowing if it will give way to the light
Every push squeezes my consciousness
Like that suitcase you’ve packed too tight
My senses rule me like prison guards
What is at the end of this long dark canal?
An executioner or daylight?