I am a big advocate for the Bell Let's Talk campaign. It's time to end the stigma around mental health and join the conversation. It's also about time to share my own story.
I have an anxiety disorder called Emetophobia. I have suffered from this for as long as I can remember. Emetophobia is not quite germophobia. It's a little more specific than that. It's the fear of others vomiting around me and the fear that I might catch it if they do.
People often laugh when I tell them. I'm not sure if they think I'm just joking or if they just think it's ridiculous. But the truth is it can be absolutely crippling.
I remember once being out with friends and feeling really sick. I was starting to get worked up about it and I just wanted to go home. They kept telling me "you'll feel better if you just throw up". Easy for you to say. I've become an expert on not throwing up. I have honed the skill of suppressing that urge.
My good friends can tell you how careful I am to keep my distance when I know someone in their family has had the flu. They can tell you that it's better for you to just not tell me at all.
I went to Counselling for it when I was 19. I was living on my own for the first time. I suppose the stress of that situation compounded my anxiety. I started taking gravol just to calm myself down. A lot of gravol. The more I took the less effect it had on me. I just needed it to knock me out when I was feeling anxious. "Anxious" doesn't seem like a strong enough word to cover my racing heart and thoughts. So I just kept taking more. When I was up to taking 8 at a time to sleep at night, and eating nothing but soda crackers and gingerale when I'd been around a sick person, I knew it was time to get help.
My counsellor was great. He believed this anxiety stemmed from a childhood trauma and my fear of fire. Either way, from that day on I started to learn new coping techniques. Now if someone around me is sick, I simply remove myself from the situation. Most of the time this is good enough to keep me from freaking out.
One fateful day I was stuck on the 401 for hours with a sick child. I cannot begin to express my terror in that situation. I wanted to climb out the window of the car. Since that day something significant changed in my life. My whole life, I've wanted nothing more in the world than to be a mother. Now I don't know if I ever can. It's easy to just leave when someone is sick, unless that someone is your own child. And the more I read my friend's facebook posts about the flu ravaging their family, the more I'm convinced I could never handle that.
I wanted to share this story last year at my church's mental health Sunday but was still too afraid to talk about it publicly. I'm not afraid anymore. We've all got issues and hiding them from one another does nothing to help us heal.
Caroline’s Comment
Love you Shelley! I struggle with the same anxiety disorder and so identify with everything you've mentioned above. It is so freakin' hard. Thanks for sharing friend.
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