It happened to me for the first time in my second year of university, completely out of the blue. A feeling of panic, fear and anxiety descended on me like a fog, a fog that seemed to steal everything good from my life. Every positive emotion was gone. Nothing that once made me happy, did anymore. All I could feel was this overpowering sense of anxiety. I was desperate to rid myself of this fog, but I was also desperate to make sure nobody else knew what was happening inside of me for fear that they would no longer see me as “strong” and “stable,” the things I prided myself on. So I kept it almost entirely to myself and made a decision that I would not let this feeling change anything about the way I was living. That would be the way I would cope; live on and tell no one.
Even though I felt like curling up in a ball and waiting for it to magically disappear I put all of my will power into continuing to live. Somehow I managed to function. I went to class, studied, got decent grades, kept up most of my relationships…meanwhile carrying this crushing burden on the inside. It was killing me not to be able to enjoy all of the great things I could see going on around me. It stuck with me for two years. One of the things that tormented me was thinking about all the things that this fog could steal from me. My relationships with family and friends, a happy marriage, my ability to be a mother in the future, my ability to function in society, etc.
I decided something during the fog. I needed to figure out what I thought was important in life and do those things…even if this didn’t fix my problem, at least I would be doing things I logically, if not emotionally, felt were right. This didn’t fix my problem. Doing good things brought me no joy. But I felt like I regained some of my power by not letting my fog dictate what I would and wouldn’t do. I would decide and act, regardless of my emotions, or lack thereof.
I don’t know if it was this mentality or time or any combination of other factors that eventually brought me out the other side, but very slowly I felt the fog lifting. Or more accurately, in hindsight I could see that it had lifted some. Some positive emotion crept back in and I legitimately started enjoying some of my relationships and experiences again. The fog would return a few years later but this time I was ready for it. The fog’s power was in the fear it caused me. The fear that it could strip me of relationships and love. In looking back I could see that the fog had never been able to steal any relationship nor any love from my life. Though it really sucks to not be able to enjoy people, I could still chose to love them and the fog could never steal that. This realization has been a huge comfort to me anytime that the fog threatens to creep back in. It can come in and steal my happiness for a while, but it can’t steal the things that really matter to me…my relationships and love.
Glimpses has given me that chance to reflect on my own mental health and coping strategies. “Live on and tell no one”. That was my way of coping. I think “living on” is something that worked for me. But it was a bit short sighted. I didn’t let the fog scare me out of living my life but I did let it scare me into silence. Not anymore.
*be sure to check out this images that pairs so perfectly with these words
No comments:
Post a Comment